Jun 11, 2010
"The Secret" of Success
I attended what seemed to be an open house for this condo in downtown Atlanta with a photographer friend of mine. What is amazing about this guy is he doesn't have much outside of his insanely positive outlook on life. What's strange though is he has single-handedly generated a network that includes some of the most successful people in Atlanta. Not to mention, he has his own website, business, and will host his first exhibit later on today. At first I was a hater, no lie, because I couldn't wrap my mind around his success. It was simply baffling how someone could generate so much positive energy and luck when from the outside in, things looked much worse.
Jun 9, 2010
Respect and Achievement
So I'm beginning to notice some significant trends when it comes to perceptions of different degrees. I've been going back and forth lately on whether to pursue an online MBA. Obviously these programs have become ubiquitous as of late and I really wanted some opinion on whether it was worth my time. As far as I'm concerned, it's just a credential.A credential that could help me land some sort of respectable job or actually help me build a real career. So long as I get it from a respectable source (accredited and official), I saw no reason not to. Unfortunately, the friends I asked seemed bent on steering me away from it.
Jun 7, 2010
Mind Games
I originally created this space to share my writing with the world. I'm no longer interested in that. I tire of the fabrication. My motivations for writing in the beginning (some 8 years ago) were based around reconciling the negative thoughts in my head. Much of what I posted here has been less personal, less real. Though it was useful to whoever did read it, it didn't reflect the reality I've been living in and perceiving. It was simply my effort to advise myself on how to live and only included as much as I was willing to share with the world. It wasn't raw....
Well....this is.
My mind is in a place it hasn't been since I was much younger. The rage and frustration I feel right now brings back bitter memories of home, of South Carolina. I'm reminded of the utter helplessness and anger I felt when I looked around and saw nothing but failure and decay. I've always resented poverty. I still do to this day. I resented everything it represented. For me, it was my stubborn father refusing to do anything with himself and the hatred that created between us.The stagnation he was content with made my blood boil. When he died, I tricked myself into loving him, into appreciating the love he had for me. Deep down however, I knew those thoughts of hate still lingered. Poverty was my mother. This woman--an emotional wreck who herself was engulfed in a cycle of bad and irresponsible parenting--is the source of the imbalances in my brain. She still doesn't know how to love and her psychological state, like mine, continues to ravage any hope she could ever have of establishing a meaningful connection with the world. I want to love her. But the facts keep staring at me. She doesn't have any concept whatsoever of progression. She is content with poverty and continues to demonstrate an unwillingness to go the extra mile even when her youngest son is busting his ass to make something of himself. I pushed that hatred to the back of my mind and turned "lack of support" into "pride in my independence". Who the fuck was I kidding?
The list goes on. Much of that negative energy I was able to parlay into something somewhat productive. It began with running away. To the outside world, it was a logical decision to attend college. Let me make this clear. The concept of higher education, the premise that by spending countless years in a classroom, I'll be able to achieve anything, is bogus. I came to school because the classroom was the only place I had ever recognized as a "safe zone". It provided me with a social position, creative outlets, and affirmation that there was indeed some potential for me in the real world. However, college is the most inefficient means of progression I have ever experienced. Nothing about it has helped me. Everything about it has hurt me. That is all I have to say on the subject.
After getting my degree, a process in and of itself, I was faced with perhaps the biggest challenge of my 22 year existence. I now possessed a piece of paper that was supposedly desirable enough to jump start my career and ensure I'd leave poverty in the past where it belonged. Wrong. I've struggled more since graduating than I have at any point in life. Graduate programs accepted me and rescinded their decisions because of silly mistakes. While my peers achieved, I struggled to pay bills and rebuild credit that had been torn apart as a result of (you guessed it) college. I witnessed the love of my life leave and pursue a career, a path, parental resources in tow, while I wondered where I would be living for the next...the next...shit I didn't even know. I slaved over resumes and cover letters all replete with experience and skills while my peers were handed jobs and opportunities. You think I got called back? Sure I did---for jobs working 7.25 an hour doing stuff I could have done out of the womb. Keep in mind, I've edited and written whole publications, mobilized throngs of people, outperformed and out-shined nearly anyone I've ever competed with, and all I have to show for it is unpaid bills and frustration. Someone tell me why in the FUCK did I go to college? Is this what we have to offer little black males trappin on the corner? Is this included in those lifetime earnings charts they used to show us? If so, you can keep this shit..
Pardon my rant. The issue here is I'm beginning to wonder if I've been living a lie. My passions--writing, acting and music--what am I to do with them? Surely, disregarding my real world obligations to pursue these things is impractical, but perhaps so was going to college to help with those passions. I'm forced to question whether I have talent or ability at all. Nothing has come of my marketing efforts and I've been actively engaged for the better part of four years now. Have I made too many mistakes? Did I overestimate my margin for error? Is it God? Am I supposed to continue my spiritual struggle with Him? So many questions and so little answers.
Now the beauty of all this is I'm fully aware of my own power in making this situation right. I am deathly aware of the work required to fix this piece of shit life of mine. I simply don't have the direction and am quickly losing the motivation. After working so damn hard and being behind the eight ball for so damn long, I'm wondering if pride is enough to hold onto this time or have I indeed bitten off way more than I can chew, expecting this life to improve? No...I can beat it and I will beat it. Until I die, I will believe in my own legend. I will believe that with time, all this will be worth it. I just have to last....
Well....this is.
My mind is in a place it hasn't been since I was much younger. The rage and frustration I feel right now brings back bitter memories of home, of South Carolina. I'm reminded of the utter helplessness and anger I felt when I looked around and saw nothing but failure and decay. I've always resented poverty. I still do to this day. I resented everything it represented. For me, it was my stubborn father refusing to do anything with himself and the hatred that created between us.The stagnation he was content with made my blood boil. When he died, I tricked myself into loving him, into appreciating the love he had for me. Deep down however, I knew those thoughts of hate still lingered. Poverty was my mother. This woman--an emotional wreck who herself was engulfed in a cycle of bad and irresponsible parenting--is the source of the imbalances in my brain. She still doesn't know how to love and her psychological state, like mine, continues to ravage any hope she could ever have of establishing a meaningful connection with the world. I want to love her. But the facts keep staring at me. She doesn't have any concept whatsoever of progression. She is content with poverty and continues to demonstrate an unwillingness to go the extra mile even when her youngest son is busting his ass to make something of himself. I pushed that hatred to the back of my mind and turned "lack of support" into "pride in my independence". Who the fuck was I kidding?
The list goes on. Much of that negative energy I was able to parlay into something somewhat productive. It began with running away. To the outside world, it was a logical decision to attend college. Let me make this clear. The concept of higher education, the premise that by spending countless years in a classroom, I'll be able to achieve anything, is bogus. I came to school because the classroom was the only place I had ever recognized as a "safe zone". It provided me with a social position, creative outlets, and affirmation that there was indeed some potential for me in the real world. However, college is the most inefficient means of progression I have ever experienced. Nothing about it has helped me. Everything about it has hurt me. That is all I have to say on the subject.
After getting my degree, a process in and of itself, I was faced with perhaps the biggest challenge of my 22 year existence. I now possessed a piece of paper that was supposedly desirable enough to jump start my career and ensure I'd leave poverty in the past where it belonged. Wrong. I've struggled more since graduating than I have at any point in life. Graduate programs accepted me and rescinded their decisions because of silly mistakes. While my peers achieved, I struggled to pay bills and rebuild credit that had been torn apart as a result of (you guessed it) college. I witnessed the love of my life leave and pursue a career, a path, parental resources in tow, while I wondered where I would be living for the next...the next...shit I didn't even know. I slaved over resumes and cover letters all replete with experience and skills while my peers were handed jobs and opportunities. You think I got called back? Sure I did---for jobs working 7.25 an hour doing stuff I could have done out of the womb. Keep in mind, I've edited and written whole publications, mobilized throngs of people, outperformed and out-shined nearly anyone I've ever competed with, and all I have to show for it is unpaid bills and frustration. Someone tell me why in the FUCK did I go to college? Is this what we have to offer little black males trappin on the corner? Is this included in those lifetime earnings charts they used to show us? If so, you can keep this shit..
Pardon my rant. The issue here is I'm beginning to wonder if I've been living a lie. My passions--writing, acting and music--what am I to do with them? Surely, disregarding my real world obligations to pursue these things is impractical, but perhaps so was going to college to help with those passions. I'm forced to question whether I have talent or ability at all. Nothing has come of my marketing efforts and I've been actively engaged for the better part of four years now. Have I made too many mistakes? Did I overestimate my margin for error? Is it God? Am I supposed to continue my spiritual struggle with Him? So many questions and so little answers.
Now the beauty of all this is I'm fully aware of my own power in making this situation right. I am deathly aware of the work required to fix this piece of shit life of mine. I simply don't have the direction and am quickly losing the motivation. After working so damn hard and being behind the eight ball for so damn long, I'm wondering if pride is enough to hold onto this time or have I indeed bitten off way more than I can chew, expecting this life to improve? No...I can beat it and I will beat it. Until I die, I will believe in my own legend. I will believe that with time, all this will be worth it. I just have to last....
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