The Line Between Friends and Lovers: The Case of the Ex

The line between friends and lovers: The Case of the Ex


Whether it be an ex, a childhood friend, someone you just met, or whatever, we constantly find ourselves caught up in the classic situation of not knowing "what we are", "whether we should be doing this" and all that jazz.

The Ex

I constantly find myself talking, chilling just trying to kick it with the ex because nobody wants to be fighting and sh*t just because a relationship couldn't work out. I tried it and there are certain things you have to remember if you plan on being friends.

1) Don't fool yourself into thinking your relationship never happened.

2)Just because yall still f*ckin', don't mean yall still together.

3) Don't get in "what if" conversations

4) Don't talk about whose fault it is you broke up. Say it was mutual if someone asks.

5) If you and your ex's friendship fails, be careful about communicating with your ex's friends, family, or associates.


6) Don't date each other's friends. What's a friend?

*Anyone with below 2 degrees of separation.

*Any friend who actively hung out with the ex,

*that one friend you know you wanna talk to and you know they wanna talk to you, but it would blow up.

*friends who aren't friends with your ex anymore as a result of a fallout

*anybody your ex would "magically" turn into a friend, even if its untrue.


7) Keep your business to yourself.

8) Keep physical contact to a minimum (if you can help it)

9) Don't immediately get a rebound

10) Don't say you love them

Relationships and Emotional Security: Avoiding Heartbreak

No one can make you angry without your permission

Fundamental in every bad relationship, every broken friendship is emotional damage. I've wondered, like every other person, where the fault may lie in an ended relationship, what moments could have been changed, what words taken back, but the truth is relationships run on the exchange of emotional access. Our relationships with ourselves and others depend on specific emotional connections that allow the potential for either life long connections or horribly awful broken relationships and friendships. Many times these factors exist without our even choosing to acknowledge them.

One who begs to be loved, begs to be hurt

The first thing one must consider is their understanding of their own emotions. The key to any good relationship is self awareness. If you're honest with yourself when reflecting on life and love, you will have an advantage when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Specifically, we need to know the "ins and outs" of our personal views and opinions, our desires and where we feel satisfaction in the form of emotional security needs to come from. Many relationships are bad simply because we seek security in external sources. We cannot hope to gain acceptance from others without accepting ourselves, and it hurts that much more when another person breaks your heart because YOU weren't the one holding it together--they were. That is, in many cases, seeking validation in the form of approval, reinforcement or anything other than general encouragement from another person. Its a one way ticket to disaster. If we are unstable in our understanding of ourselves, then granting another person the power to affect our emotions or even our perceptions could lead to severe emotional scarring or breakdown. Allowing another person to influence your perception of yourself, your life or your views is dangerous in that it gives another person the power to control you and subsequently hurt you through either premeditated manipulation or inadvertent (or reckless) damage of our emotional security. Double check your relationship if you are ever feeling inadequate, unappreciated, slighted or demeaned.

Most predators don't know they are--same goes for prey

Secondly, understand that even though there are people who purposely seek to hurt others, the majority of the time, relationships are reflections of personalities. The only way for a relationship to work is if both people are aware of the emotional connections they share with another. One must know that they have been given access to the other person's emotional pathways. From there we must be considerate of such and acknowledge the effect our actions have on the other person's emotions. If a person is naturally selfish, then they are likely to be inconsiderate of other people's emotions and any power they may have over someone's psyche. Because of that, they have the potential to hurt people. In addition, people unaware of their own emotions are particularly susceptible to unexpected responses when others violate or challenge their emotional well being. More often than not, those who are selfish or seem so, may be seeking emotional security in others and it's especially bad to have two people like this together. People seeking validation in each other, on top of personal emotional instability and lack of consideration for others can lead to particularly bad relationships. It may seem rather abstract or specific, but you'd be surprised how many emotionally unstable people are dealing with each other on a daily basis. As humans, it takes a great deal of effort to come to terms with self control and self perception.

Know your heart and guard every heart with all knowledge.

So basically, all I ask is that you be aware of your emotional dealings with others as well as how you understand your own emotions. Know yourself and be content with your own views and perceptions before allowing another person access to your emotions. Ideally, you will have two emotionally secure individuals who understand each other on an emotional level and take care not to damage such delicate parts of the soul. They will act to mend and nourish, not destroy. Pay attention to personalities and how they usually reflect the level of emotional awareness a person has, or lack thereof.If one thinks of their emotional security, and the emotional connections we share, many broken hearts can be avoided.

Why these men continue to dog you out.......

As if understanding men was anything close to complicated....please...we are quite the simple creatures. However, somehow, some way, there are ladies that continue to let themselves be driven bat crazy by men engaged in fits of deception and whose priorities are all screwed up. Some men want sex, some want a mother (as Sweet Z so aptly put it) and some don't know what they want but are enamored with the idea of getting YOUR precious, valuable attention. And in the end, everyone's all upset.

Honestly ladies, if your needs aren't being met in a relationship, it's not the man's fault, it's YOURS. All I'm asking is that you take the time to figure out what kind of man you truly desire and instead of spending time flirting and wondering if he likes you, or jumping at the opportunity to get those superficial needs met, CHALLENGE these men and be sure they are putting in the effort to understand you as a person during the friendship stage. Sure you'll run a few off, but oh well, they aren't worth your time. I assure you it's worth it to focus on what a guy does for you on those deeper levels than what he can do in the short term.

And it goes both ways. Not only should you be sure the guys are thinking right, but you should have a pretty good idea of what you want before you get to the store ya know. The mark of maturity is how you've taken your life and used it to figure out where your future is and not just living in the moment. Bettering yourself is the best way to find a good man because a good man will see it, acknowledge it and appreciate it. The REALLY good men will recognize where you are in life and do everything they can to push you further. Of course that can't be done unless......you guessed it......they are doing something with their damn selves.

If you neglect to understand who you are and what you want, don't expect a man to know or care about you very much beyond his needs. And I promise a relationship with a man who's worried about himself will only lead to disaster. But you knew that already? Right?


So the next time you ask yourself if he likes you....truly ask yourself if you like him....