Relationships and Emotional Security: Avoiding Heartbreak

No one can make you angry without your permission

Fundamental in every bad relationship, every broken friendship is emotional damage. I've wondered, like every other person, where the fault may lie in an ended relationship, what moments could have been changed, what words taken back, but the truth is relationships run on the exchange of emotional access. Our relationships with ourselves and others depend on specific emotional connections that allow the potential for either life long connections or horribly awful broken relationships and friendships. Many times these factors exist without our even choosing to acknowledge them.

One who begs to be loved, begs to be hurt

The first thing one must consider is their understanding of their own emotions. The key to any good relationship is self awareness. If you're honest with yourself when reflecting on life and love, you will have an advantage when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Specifically, we need to know the "ins and outs" of our personal views and opinions, our desires and where we feel satisfaction in the form of emotional security needs to come from. Many relationships are bad simply because we seek security in external sources. We cannot hope to gain acceptance from others without accepting ourselves, and it hurts that much more when another person breaks your heart because YOU weren't the one holding it together--they were. That is, in many cases, seeking validation in the form of approval, reinforcement or anything other than general encouragement from another person. Its a one way ticket to disaster. If we are unstable in our understanding of ourselves, then granting another person the power to affect our emotions or even our perceptions could lead to severe emotional scarring or breakdown. Allowing another person to influence your perception of yourself, your life or your views is dangerous in that it gives another person the power to control you and subsequently hurt you through either premeditated manipulation or inadvertent (or reckless) damage of our emotional security. Double check your relationship if you are ever feeling inadequate, unappreciated, slighted or demeaned.

Most predators don't know they are--same goes for prey

Secondly, understand that even though there are people who purposely seek to hurt others, the majority of the time, relationships are reflections of personalities. The only way for a relationship to work is if both people are aware of the emotional connections they share with another. One must know that they have been given access to the other person's emotional pathways. From there we must be considerate of such and acknowledge the effect our actions have on the other person's emotions. If a person is naturally selfish, then they are likely to be inconsiderate of other people's emotions and any power they may have over someone's psyche. Because of that, they have the potential to hurt people. In addition, people unaware of their own emotions are particularly susceptible to unexpected responses when others violate or challenge their emotional well being. More often than not, those who are selfish or seem so, may be seeking emotional security in others and it's especially bad to have two people like this together. People seeking validation in each other, on top of personal emotional instability and lack of consideration for others can lead to particularly bad relationships. It may seem rather abstract or specific, but you'd be surprised how many emotionally unstable people are dealing with each other on a daily basis. As humans, it takes a great deal of effort to come to terms with self control and self perception.

Know your heart and guard every heart with all knowledge.

So basically, all I ask is that you be aware of your emotional dealings with others as well as how you understand your own emotions. Know yourself and be content with your own views and perceptions before allowing another person access to your emotions. Ideally, you will have two emotionally secure individuals who understand each other on an emotional level and take care not to damage such delicate parts of the soul. They will act to mend and nourish, not destroy. Pay attention to personalities and how they usually reflect the level of emotional awareness a person has, or lack thereof.If one thinks of their emotional security, and the emotional connections we share, many broken hearts can be avoided.