The Initial Realization- Means and Ends

Today, yesterday, tomorrow, it's all the same moment, the same opportunity for the decision to go wherever I please in life. It seems even though I realize that, I'm still pretending I have time to fuck around and play games--childish games. The faster I get real, the sooner I'll feel secure in my chances to control this beast called life.

These damn tricks I keep playing on myself, acting as if I should really be concerned with such matters as lust, attention, silly constructs of happiness that only aid in my diagnosis as a clinically depressed, bipolar, temperamental silly man when all are really a complete waste of my time. They are wastes only because they result from my thinking about nothing beyond the current state of things, the immediate gratification of ignorance....no...not ignorance.....foolishness and fleeting bouts of pleasure. Hmm, so I guess I think I have more time than I actually do to fool around.

You see, that my friend is precisely the issue. I continue to assume that because the moment is infinite, I am too. But that isn't how God chose to make this sick little indulgence of His. Not at all. You see God is infinite. So in reality, God is the only One capable of embracing the luxury of an infinite moment, a total non existence of time.....and subsequently, death.

So herein lies our dilemma, which will promptly be addressed. I have already decided that. So I will die (sooner than later given my lack of concern for healthy practices) and I can't reap the advantages of infinity because I have a time to die. However, while I am on this earth, I can learn to make some headway, control this moment just a bit. But I have to start soon. What a drag. So what do I do now?

Should I...devote myself to a life of obedient Christianity? Perhaps I should scrap all concern for institutions and simply focus on doing whatever it takes to feel good...no, no not that. That's where I am now. Maybe it depends on what I want to be. Let's figure that out, shall we. Top Ten things I want out of this wretched life of mine before I die.

Power
Money
Security
Affection
Fame
Importance

wait, wait.......I see. So it seems I'm getting my means and ends confused. Aha, it's when we pursue our means as ends, we get that horrible affliction of disillusion. Means are precisely that--means and aren't meant to last. I've been doing that for a while, going after means. So let's redo the list. First with our desired ends.

Security
Purpose

wow, suddenly that list gets a whole lot shorter when you think about the shit that matters. And the means? Well that list would be a bitch to do tonight, so maybe next time.